Papelbon of the Week 7/21

This week's winner during the long All-Star Break goes to none other than Jameson Taillon.

IF you are unaware of what happened to Taillon this week, he was hit in the head by a line drive 105 MPH ball off the bat. Hosting the Brewers, Taillon got a screaming ball off that bat lined right at him, with little to no time to react.

As you can see, Jameson get's nailed in the head then immediately goes to the ground holding the point of impact. Real scary stuff as we have seen plenty of pitcher's take balls to the face in year's past ( just ask Joe).

Thankfully, the Pirates had a trainer by the name of Jesus who came out to heal Jameson with a kiss on the forehead.

See, All Better!

This is where the POW comes into play. Jameson (now healed by Jesus), passed concussion protocol and ultimately decided to remain in the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He went on to throw 6 innings, 1 earned run, and 3 K's to get the W for the Pirates and 17.00 points for The Kekambas bitch.

POW Award Count

• Springfield Isotopes (Roughned Odor, Johnny Cueto) - 2
• The Kekambas bitch (Jameson Taillon) - 1
• Let Drake Stay!!!! (Manny Machado) - 1
• The Boowahs (Noah Syndergaard) - 1
• brian's Team (Freddie Freeman) - 1
• Marty Weeds (Madison Bumgarner) - 1

A Note From Brian

First off, RIP to Jimmy Labuz, who decided to leave the group text this week. Thanks for coming to the draft and then contributing nothing. STS

I didn't really know how to open up this article because there isn't much to say. I've been telling you guys since I started writing that the only way to beat me is if you bring your A-Game, which Cano can go did. Both my losses this year have come to the two top scores in our league. It was only a matter of time until someone hit 600 points, and it would have been me if I really wanted to bury Harry, but I like him so I didn't. Nothing you can do when you score the third highest point total that week and still lose. Even with the big win, here is why Quinn still sucks:

1. He's still 492.13 points behind me in overall fantasy points

2. He found the hard way that Icy Hot doesn't heal an LCL. 12 months and you're still on the DL, you're worse than Derrick Rose. 

3. He had a solid 4 months of unemployment life which consisted of him J/O'ing in his basement on his single bed. Don't know why you can't walk up the stairs to your room like a normal person

Speaking of J/O'ing, I found this to be entertaining. (Don't read it just look at who wrote it)

Guess the interview with the author of this write-up came with a binding contract of bathroom hookups. He was just waiting for the right time in Pat's basement to show her the Bear's bathroom and then immediately denying it. Just own it, loser. 

With that being said, here's a quick nugget for the second half. If you were going to do a head-to-head with my weekly scores I would be 125-22. That's a .850 winning percentage. Not to brag, but that's better than everyone else. 

We got a long week because of the All Star break, but I'll be back on the winning track as I face off Jimmy, who I mentioned earlier decided it was better to leave all together than play me. At least he picked a cool team name. I commend him for owning and accepting his place, wish more people in this league would follow. Would make my life a little easier. 

Good luck to everyone during the second half! Have fun fighting it out for being my first bitch..

National League All Stars & Why They Will Win The All Star Game

 

National League Starting Lineup 

1. Ben Zobrist, 2B, Cubs, brian's Team

2. Bryce Harper, RF, Nationals, Cano can go

3. Kris Bryant, 3B, Cubs, The Boowahs

4. Wil Myers, DH, Padres, Mark's

5. Buster Posey, C, Giants, Mark's

6. Anthony Rizzo, 1B, Cubs, Shane Falcos

7. Marcell Ozuna, CF, Marlins, Let Drake Stay!!!!

8. Carlos Gonzalez, LF, Rockies, Springfield Isotopes

9. Addison Russell, SS, Cubs, Let Drake Stay!!!!

Pitcher: RHP Johnny Cueto, Giants, Springfield Isotopes

National League Reserves

C: Jonathan Lucroy, Brewers, Shane Falcos

C: Wilson Ramos, Nationals, #CSATT

1B: Paul Goldschmidt, Diamondbacks, Mark's

1B: Brandon Belt, Giant, Mark's 

2B: Daniel Murphy, Nationals, The Kekambas bitch

SS: Corey Seager, Dodgers, The Boowahs

SS: Aledmys Diaz, Cardinals+, tom's Team

3B: Matt Carpenter, Cardinals*, Nolan's Team

3B: Nolan Arenado, Rockies, brian's Team

OF: Odubel Herrera, Phillies, The Kekambas bitch

Rollin N' Skollin

OF: Adam Duvall, Reds, Nolan's Team

OF: Jay Bruce, Reds, tom's Team

OF: Yoenis Cespedes, Mets*, brian's Team

OF: Dexter Fowler, Cubs*, Nolan's Team

OF: Starling Marte, Pirates+, #CSATT

NL Backup Starting Pitchers

RH: Jake Arrieta, Cubs, Cano can go

LH: Madison Bumgarner, Giants*, Marty Weeds

RH: Bartolo Colon, Mets+, Marty Weeds

RH: Jose Fernandez, Marlins, tom's Team

LH: Clayton Kershaw*, Dodgers, The Kekambas bitch

LH: Jon Lester, Cubs, brian's Team

LH: Drew Pomeranz, Padres+, Nolan's Team

RH: Max Scherzer, Nationals+, Marty Weeds

RH: Stephen Strasburg, Nationals*, Mark's

RH: Noah Syndergaard, Mets*, The Boowahs

RH: Julio Teheran, Braves, brian's Team 

NL Relievers

RH: Jeurys Familia, Mets, tom's Team

RH: Kenley Jansen, Dodgers, Cano can go

RH: Mark Melancon, Pirates, The Kekambas bitch

RH: A.J. Ramos, Marlins, Springfield Isotopes

RH: Fernando Rodney, Marlins, Free Agent

*injured/inactive, +replacement

NL All Stars Tally

brian's Team - 5
Mark's - 5
Nolan's Team - 4
tom's Team - 4
The Kekambas bitch - 4
Springfield Isotopes - 3
Marty Weeds - 3
Cano can go - 3
The Boowahs - 3
Let Drake Stay!!!! - 2
Shane Falcos - 2
#CSATT - 2

Brian Answers Why The National League Will Win The All Star Game

Lifetime .225 hitter asked me to do a rundown on why the National league will win the All Star Game. It's quite simple actually, as all you have to do is look at their lineup and see the four Cubs starting. 

We have Ben Zobrist who not only has a big stick on the field, but also a smoking hot wife. No wonder he's constantly on base. 

Then you have Rizzo and Bryant or Bryzo going zabo all day. With Chris Sale starting, the scoreboard guy might as well put a five spot the second he walks into the stadium.

Then rounding up the infield is Addie, who is only 22 years old. Guy is younger than everyone besides Nolan.... shows what we've done with are lives. Realistically, the NL could just throw the Cubs team out there and they would win, but the MLB didn't want too make the rest of National League teams upset.

Seriously though, they should really have the pitcher hit since they are playing in an NL park. I mean the NL has Jake Arrieta, Madison Bumgarnder, Noah Synerdgaard, and Bartolo Colon. All Terry Collins has to do late in the game is look down to Bartolo, who will probably be picking his belly button, and ask him if he'll give some effort and if he nods his head yes, game over. Guy is a game changer that the AL can only hope doesn't step to the plate. He took stem cells for Christ sake!

And don't get me started on this freak show you call the American League roster. They have a guy who's named after a fish, which probably makes him a gay fish.

The AL starting pitcher is the second best left handed pitcher in the city of Chicago. And who the hell is Brad Brach? Never heard of this guy in my life and probably never will again. Joke.

Besides, half the AL team is a bunch of steroid users, mainly David Oritz. Guy's getting a heroes sendoff because he helped the Red Sox win a World Series -- so no one wants to investigate him. MLB does a witch hunt on Jenrry Mejia, but they won't even test Big Papi. 

Makes me sick

Also, you have probable steroid users like: Edwin Encarnacion, Michael Saunders, Josh Donaldson and pretty much anyone on the Toronto Blue Jays. I really believe that there is a drug in Canada that they're all using and it's not known in the US.

How do they, along with Jose Batista, go from nothing to hitting 40 homers a year? Want to know why?

It's because of Canadian law

Guys go from playing in the US, to Canada, where Canada has less-strict-over-the-counter-laws regarding prescription drugs. So all these players have to do is get a written note from some shady team doctor and go to the store. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I am a connect the dots guy.

Move to Canada --> get shady team doctor's note --> take advantage of lenient Canadian laws --> get "prescription" steroids from pharmacy --> take steroids --> hit more home runs.

The only reason the MLB hasn't cracked down on it yet is because they want to keep the game international.

Regardless of all of the AL's cheating, it'll be an easy win for the Cubs and the National League. The Cubs will get their extra home game for the World Series, in which they will win in 6 games. They won't sweep because they'll want to make the series interesting, and the Hawks & Bulls always seemed to win in six games, too, so it's only fitting.