Julio Urias: Fraud

Editor's note: This is an indirect response brought to you by Tom to my original post when Urias made his debut.

Julio Urias has been battling his entire life to be great at what he loves. A foreign born kid found his way out of Culiacan Rosales, Sinaloa, Mexico, and continuously strives for a better life. Even with one eye, Julio Urias has earned a spot in the Los Angeles Dodgers rotation and has pitched in a few major league games. Most would say he’s done the impossible, but this guy would say Julio Urias has pulled the greatest con job since Danny Ocean’s Heist way back in 2001. In fact, Julio Urias is better off than any two eyed pitcher in the league, and here’s a few reasons why:

1. History of International Players
2. Less Distraction
3. Success

I. Historically speaking, international players are more gritty, hard-working, and consequently, bigger cheaters than their American-born counterparts. Before you rush to any conclusions, let’s play Did He Or Didn’t He Fail A Drug Test.

Melky Cabrera: Steroid Abuser

Manny Ramirez: Steroid Addict

Eats Steroids for breakfast, lunch, & dinner.

 

Now would you like to know who DIDN’T EVER fail a drug test? Integrity-filled ball players in the likes of:

Barry Bonds: Home Run King

John Rocker: Model Citizen

Mark McGwire: Milk & Cubs Killer

See, history is on my side. Betting money says Urias’ dad Todd Marinovich’d Julio at a young age, except instead of tying the right arm behind the back, he threw an eyepatch up north for at least half of every day. I don’t blame him either; I love cheaters. One of my favorite players of all time was: 

  

WAIT

 

WAIT

lol

CRIME DOG BABY!

I’m also a massive proponent for a mandatory steroids and metal bats league. The XFL for football, except Vince McMahon runs it and someone could get smoked with a chair at any time. 

Conclusion: Urias recognized the higher potential for being a one eyed pitcher and seized it. 

Respect.

II. Julio Urias is exceptionally less distracted than any other MLB pitcher.

         

Here’s what I know: two eyed pitcher generally have a full range of view. They can check the runner at first, check the runner at second, check out the stands. Pitchers have just about EVERYTHING to check out before checking out home plate and delivering a strike. I completely get why Rick Ankiel used to nearly throw it over the back stop once every 10 pitches.

  

With that being said, I think it has just became clear to me.... A one eyed pitcher has cut his distractions by 50% (!!). One eyed pitchers, or more specifically one particular one eyed pitcher named Julio Urias, who did the “impossible” and escaped Mexico to finally pitch in the bigs. This guy cheated his way and was the mastermind behind the now known one-eyed conspiracy.  Julio Urias conned his way to the MLB. Julio Urias hoodwinked his way to the MLB. Julio Urias lied his way to the MLB.

Need more evidence? Here’s Exhibit A:

 

Here, Julio can only see 35% of the field. Whereas two eyed pitcher have the heavy burden of seeing about 70% of the field. If you’re a fan of numbers and saber metrics, here’s some quick mental math for ya. Julio is INHERENTLY 50% more valuable to a baseball team than ANY two eyed pitcher ever in existence. So why exactly did Julio do this? Perfect segue to my final point.

III. Success  

Who’s one of the most popular heroes to young ball players, like Julio Urias, and is wildly successful? 

Also part of the one-eyed conspiracy club

 

FETTY WAP!

So Julio Urias, a cunning young man, wanted to change from average to absolute savage, and discovered a way to be, naturally, the most valuable pitcher in the majors.

Success?

Success.

IV. Conclusion

Julio Urias, the fraud he is, Fetty Wap’d his way to the majors. He saw an opportunity to make it, and he took it. Can’t blame him, just pissed I didn’t think of it first.

Editor's note: right before I published this post from Tom - we have yet another one eyed pitcher in the big league -Phillies pitching prospect loses right eye in freak training accident

It seems as though Tom's National One-eyed conspiracy theory is catching on to kids in the minor leagues - check out for this kid to sky rocket to the MLB based on the evidence Tom has provided us today.